Crohn's

when i was younger i use to think how cool it would be to have a disease. it is embarrassing to even say, but i use too also think that it would give me some kind of meaning. growing up in a big family, near the end of the line. makes one feel a little less than important. i use to have these daydreams about having something wrong with me. all the people in my church and all my friends would constantly be asking me how i was feeling and if i was ok. i guess all i really wanted was someone to notice me and give me some attention. here i am, many years later, and i have my wish. i have had it for about 10 years. funny how life throws you those little surprises.

i developed Crohn's disease at the age of 15. i remember the day the doctor called to confirm to us what he had already thought. i had Crohn's. i remember my mother crying. that was a weird day. i can't really remember what i thought. i do remember just standing there, staring at nothing. i wont say that hearing you have Crohn's and hearing you have cancer are the same, but they feel the same when you are on the receiving end. the thought "i am glad it isn't something worse never enters your mind. right you are the loneliest person alive. no one can know what you are thinking; no one feels the way you do, no one understands.

i guess if i had it to do over again i would wish i had a disease, but i did and i do. i suppose i can't say that wishing gave it to me, but maybe wish and then getting has taught me something. life is not unfair. unfair implies that we should be getting something else, instead of what we have received. why should i not have Crohn's? why should my mother not have had breast cancer? 

so does this post have a purpose, a reason? i don't really know.

Doug